


How The Council of Elrond Should Have Gone

by The_Blonde_and_the_Brunette



Series: Hobbit and Lord of the Rings Imagines [4]
Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: A golden egg, Aragorn too tragic for that shit, Bloodshed, Boromir digs Aragorn, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Elrond generally losing his cool, Elrond has a stroke, Elrond screaming, F/M, Gimli gets revenge, Glorfindel being a mofo, Legolas has a flashback, M/M, Seriously I love Glorfindel, So Hidden, So Secret, Talking Chickens, The Authors wrote themselves in, The Hidden Secret Council, gaint mosh fight, katanas, serious bro feels, the Authors wished they had a sense of humor, this was originally written at two a.m., under the influence of grape juice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 18:53:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12754149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Blonde_and_the_Brunette/pseuds/The_Blonde_and_the_Brunette
Summary: So don't hate us but we have wanted to do this for soooo long.  Read the tags if you want a summary.  Also, there is cussing.  So be ready for that.





	How The Council of Elrond Should Have Gone

**Author's Note:**

> So hi there! Yup, a council of Elrond, and we just wanted to mess around at two in the morning like we had nothing better to do and no real lives during the day. Wait.  
> Anyway, please enjoy the descent into madness. If you have any suggestions for scenes from the Lord of the Rings that could do with just a bit more humor, please send us a message. Thanks!
> 
> also we own nothing from any of the universes mentioned in the work.

_ The Third Age of Middle Earth, in a Hidden Meeting Terrace somewhere within the walls of the last Homely House East of the Sea.  There is a secret meeting underway, where the fate of Middle Earth is to be decided… and someone forgot to bring the damn cheese dip. _

 

The Blonde was bored.  The Brunette was excited.  Everyone else was slowly losing their shit.  The dwarves glared at the elves.  The Elves tried to ignore the little, hairy beasts.  Which was hard to do, they were quite annoying.  The men tried to size each other up, and Boromir, son of Denethor, who incidentally had amazing hair (Because he’s worth it), truly, was trying very hard not to pop a boner at the sight of the dirty ranger lounging in a chair a few spots down from him… and failing miserably. 

 

So far, Elrond had ignored much of his surroundings for he was much to wrapped up in his day-planner, checking through the up coming events of the next century.  Scrolling through the itinerary for the next bicentennial elfen Olympic Games, he felt his left eyebrow twitch in a way that meant The Blonde was prodding him with an imaginary author prompt, that by the way completely violated his personal space and the fourth-wall, to get a move on.  Sighing, he closed the day-planner with a small snap and announced in his best Mr. Smith impression: “Strangers from distant lands, friends of old.  You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor.  Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction…”

“Yeah excuse me,” a voice interrupted.  The Brunette with a raised hand had had the gall to interrupt his dramatic tale.  “What the fuck are you being so over-dramatic about, who the fuck forgot snacks and why for the love of all that is holy are the Elves and the Dwarves sitting so close to each other?”

The entire council paused and stared at the two young women that had magically appeared in their own plushy armchairs next to elrond, a bag of peppermints hitched under the arm of one and a chicken in the lap of the other.  Elrond blinked in awe as one leaned back and literally poured half the bag of sweets into her mouth.  “Fwellll?”  She quipped around bulging cheeks.  

The elf studied the the two strange girls while the rest of the council looked to one another with confused glances.  The only one unfazed was Gandalf who was currently pinching the bridge of his nose in...exasperation?  Defeat?  Denial?  No one would ever know. 

“Fwell get on wi it den,” The Blonde cried, jestering to the group, struggling around the mints, “yuu kwn whot dey they-”  She patted the chicken on the head and it squawked: “Elimination: lack of Education”

Elrond just gave up.. Yup, after how many centuries of life and being half-elven and cool and smart and always patronizing… He. Just. Gave. Up.  He waved frantically at Frodo, “Just pull it out and get this over with.”

The Brunette leaned over to a visibly distraught elf and stage whispered, “That’s what his mom said.”  An elf sitting three seats away from the Blonde and the Brunette threw his hands up in the air, stood up and walked away.  A friend of his ran after him “Clarence, come back!”

Frodo timidly got up and walked to the stone pedestal all the while shooting nervous glances at the interlopers.  As he placed a small golden ring on the pedestal, a resounding thud was heard throughout the clearing.  “Wicked,” the Blonde whispered in awe; the chicken squawked and a golden egg was laid.  The Brunette squealed in disgust as the egg goop got on her trousers.  “Vern!  You put that thing back where it came from, or so help me!”  Vern just blinked up at her, not knowing what the punny human was trying to communicate.   _ They are such dull creatures _ Vern thought.  

Boromir pushed his sexy hair back behind his ear, hoping the ranger would notice, and whispered, “It is a gift.”

The Blonde leaned to her left and hissed in Glorfindel’s ear, “that’s also what his mom said.”

The elf just laughed and touched her cheek, “my dear, that doesn’t even make sense.”  

Elrond cleared his throat to attract attention back to the pedestal, but the Blonde was having a nuclear meltdown and was shaking the brunette by her shoulders hissing, “OMG, OMG, OMG he touched me.”

The Brunette patted her on the head and looked over her shoulder at the Balrog slayer.  “Now, THAT'S what she said.”

Boromir scoffed at their pathetic female attempts to wrangle with an elf.  “Do you not see,”  He stands up and advances, “we should use this gift.  Long have my peo-”  The Blonde pulled out a remote and fast forwarded through the ring lust part, and hit play right as Gandalf was done with his scary shadow shit.  She turned to see Elrond blinking in confusion.  “Sorry, can’t stand it when he waxes on poetically, I just tune the shit out after a little bit.”

The Brunette stared at Boromir quizzically.  “Do you have a brother?” she asked.

Boromir looked at her as if she had just grown a second head.  “Yes I do, but what does that have to do with anything?”

She shrugged her shoulders.  “I bet he’s hot, can I have his number?”

Boromir got up and made some sad speech involving blood and honor, and wouldn’t ya know it but that scraggly yet still hot Ranger spoke up and totally stuck an arrow into his plan.  Like a pincushion.

“Foreshadowing,” the Brunette hissed at Elrond and then she and the Blonde both went “ooooohhh.”

“Gondor has no King,”  Boromir stated, hiding his tears and the sting of rejection with a noble snarl.  “Gondor needs no king.”

“Yo, bro, you need an ice pack?”  The Blonde threw one at Aragorn’s head where it bounced off and flew back at her face.  “Ouch, shit, I hate physics.”

Elrond cleared his voice “You have only one choice, the ring must be destroyed.”  Many of the men began to cry, ugly crying not the soft weepy kind.  Sirens were heard in the background.  A hasty dwarf stood up from the crowd.  “What are we waiting for?” he grumbled as he raised his axe high above his head.  “Uh-oh.” the Blonde and the Brunette said in unison.  The axe fell upon the One Ring like a fangirl on a cosplayer and promptly shattered into a million pieces.  “Holy shit dude.” a small voice said.  

“What the fuck made you think that would work?”  The Blonde snarled from where she had fallen half out of her chair, clutching a visibly shaken Vern.  “The fabled One Ring and oh look I’m just gonna smash it with my FUCKING LITTLE HAMMER!”  She mimed smashing the ring repeatedly, the chicken swinging in her hands and clucking madly. 

“Elrond raised his voice to be heard over her squeals, “The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin, by and craft we here possess.”

“Wait!”  Legolas sat bolt upright in his seat.  “Hairy goblin mutant?”

The red-haired dwarf seemed to swell as he turned the shade of his hair.  “YOU!”  He dived for the elf at the same time Legolas tried to scramble over his chair.

Fighting a losing battle as elves and dwarves turned on each other, Elrond simply screamed, “It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast into the fiery chasm from which it came!!!!”  Chest heaving, he straightened his coronet to turn and see the Blonde and the Brunette slowly giving him the gold clap.

“Well done, mate,” The Blonde quipped.  

“Yeah, you’ve got their undivided attention.”  The Brunette added as she leaned sideways to avoid a hearing horn that one of the elves had ripped off a dwarf.  “But,” she said turning to Elrond, “whip out a couple of these out,” at this point she magically produced two katanas, “and you’ll definitely get their attention.” She finished smiling and nodding her head maniacally.  

Glorfindel was slowly squeezing the life out of Boromir with his thighs locked around his throat, and yet he cheekily waved at his lord and added, “one does not simply walk into Mordor my Lord Elrond.”  He made the famous asshole symbol and winked at the Blonde, “the great eye is ever watching.”

Elrond picked up a pear from the fruit bowl beside him and lobbed it at the elf, “you’re killing a main quest taker, you imp!”  Causing Glorfindel to roll away from the gasping captain of Gondor and leap into the battle with a war cry that sounded like a Dukes of Hazzard ringtone.  

The Brunette poked Aragorn.  “Yo, dude, make like Viggo and go give him mouth-to-mouth,” she gestured at where the Gondor captain was wheezing, unable to draw in air.  A dwarf with blood dripping down his face stumbled past and hit an elf in the back with an axe, and the elf went down with a warrah cry.  Everywhere left and right, elves were biting ankles, men were pulling hair and a dwarf just flog-splashed onto another dwarf because an elf rolled away too quickly.

The Blonde stood up in her chair, “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!!!”

Suddenly a itty-bitty hobbit stood up, walked calmly up to the ring and shouted, “I will take it! I will take it!”  He added softly as everyone paused mid killing spree: “ i will take the ring to Mordor.”

The Blonde mouthed the next line along with him, “through I do not know the way.”

The Brunette ruined the peaceful silence by shouting, “Goddamn it Frodo you useless lump just get a friggin’ map!  Bilbo had like seventy million in that stupid hole you’ve lived in for the past sixty years!”

After everyone had their say and the nine walkers were selected to go against the nine riders, the Blonde stretched loudly, “I could get the hang of this, ya know.”

“You cuties have fun,” The Brunette wiggled her fingers at the council.  “We’ll be seeing you lot soon.”

“And some of you sooner,” The Blonde winked at Glorfindel.

“Okay we are going now,”  The Brunette smacked the Blonde on top of the head and with a “spoof” they both disappeared.

Everyone in the council looked at eachother and then Glorfindel came swooping out from behind Elrond’s chair, wielding two katanas like a madman and proceeded to slash wildly at all the dwarves.  He was missing his shirt and sported a tie tied around his forehead.

Elrond said down heavily in the chair, rubbing his temple.  “Goddamn it Glorfindel.”


End file.
